When I told my mom a few months back that I was feeling lonely all the time, she responded by saying: "But you have so many friends." And then, whenever someone was talking to me, she'd point out that there was another friend of mine so I had no reason to feel alone. But she didn't understand.
When I said that I was feeling lonely I didn't mean that I had a lack of people who would willingly talk to me, it was different than that. It was that I felt like I could no longer talk to anyone else about what was going on in my life. Whenever something bad happened and I wanted to share it with someone, I found that either I didn't trust the people I used to call friend or my friends that I had at that time would be annoyed with me if I shared how I was feeling with them.
I know that many of them would respond by saying something along the lines of "You can talk to me about anything" because they are all great people, but I just don't feel like I can. I'm an annoying person. There's no denying that. But sometimes I take it too far without realising it and I do piss people off and so I got used to backing off, being more quiet in the background and making sure I didn't annoy them again.
This escalated until it got to the point where I felt I would run the risk of annoying my friends if I shared anything personal with them, especially since most of the things that were making me sad were a bit pathetic anyway. I didn't want to look like an attention seeker. I didn't want to lose them as friends, so I kept quiet.
This was one of my lowest points of last year, and I look back at it both thinking about how pathetic I was and how I fear that it's going to happen again. I'm scared of becoming that person again, but I can already feel it happening. It's fine though, I can handle it. I've learnt from experience.
Sorry, today's one was a bit of a downer. Didn't mean for it to be. I truly am fine.
Until tomorrow, toodle pip.
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