Whenever I spend an entire day LITERALLY doing nothing productive, I always like to think about where my life is going at around this time and whether or not I'll be successful and all that worrying crap that really really scares me.
When I was little, I wanted to be an actress, then I wanted to be a teacher, then I wanted to be a writer and now? Now I don't know.
I've been messing around with the idea of becoming a teacher again, but sometimes I just fall apart in a mess just thinking "I'M GOING NOWHERE WITH MY LIIIIIFE!" and it's horrible. The thing is, in schools at least, you're expected to know exactly what you're doing in life and exactly where you want to go and what you want to do at my age. I don't know what the hell I am going to do with my life.
My descisions for my future change on a day-to-day basis, and it really scares me because my future is coming up quickly and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT! I'm going to be taking A levels in two years time, and right now a topic of discussion is which A levels everyone wants to do and I keep hearing answers like:
"Maths, it'll give me a lot of choices."
"Physics, it'll look impressive."
"Chemistry, I want to be a doctor."
And let me tell you this, if you're thinking of what subjects you're taking because of the oppurtunities they'll give you I will applaud you my friend. All I'm thinking about taking is History and RE and that's because I enjoy them, but they're not exactly going to give me many oppurtunities for jobs or anything. What can you do with RE and History???
Then there's people talking about the universities they want to go to and the way they talk about how they've planned their futures just has me rocking backwards and forwards in a corner because of nerves.
All I know is that I want to be happy and that is it. The way my school's staff and my friends talk though makes me wonder whether I'll be happy just living life as it comes and not making plans for the future. It just makes me feel like I'm going nowhere and fast.
Sorry for the downer today guys, it's what's been on my mind.
Until tomorrow, toodle pip.
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